A letter to my uncles

Last year, two of my uncles passed away suddenly. Two deaths that shook my family and I to the core.

I still can’t get over it. I still think about them everyday. Still grieve as if it was yesterday. Still can’t seem to wrap my head around what happened and why.

You see, these two uncles were my heroes growing up. They were my favourite people in the world. They’d tell me of how they’d always protect me and treated me like their own daughter. They’d make sure my brothers never said anything bad about me. Always reminded me that if anyone ever did anything to harm me or upset me, they’d be there for me in an instant.

So…I’ve been thinking about doing this for a while now. Writing them a letter…maybe if I let some things out, it might help me “heal”. Worth a try, right?

Dear uncles,

This last year has flown by. I don’t know how it’s been up there for you, but down here…it’s been tough.

Uncles G, I miss hearing my little nickname and ending our calls with “love ya”. I miss getting text reminders from you everytime it was a family member’s birthday. I miss having someone to talk to who listened and never judged. I miss having someone tell me how they’d protect me whenever I needed it. And I miss your laugh. I really really miss your laugh. A lot.

Uncle S, I’m still trying to wrap my head around this. I still expect to see you every time I visit. Everything is so quiet without you. You always made your home feel like our home. It doesn’t feel like that anymore. It feels like there is a piece missing. You were the one who always made sure to call, to check-in and to make me laugh. I miss the way you’d say “you know what it is babe…” and then go into something either serious or super funny. I miss the nickname you’d give me. I miss staying over and coming down after I’ve put the boys to bed and sitting at the dining table and just chatting for ages about life. I miss you saying to me “I don’t know how you do it” and then laughing as my 2 wild children run around everywhere. I miss the funny stories you’d always tell us and the jokes you’d come out with. I also miss your laugh, your kindness…and…well, just everything.

And I don’t know how this is meant to get any easier. The grief. It’s real. And it’s totally shit. And I am clueless as to how to navigate it. Every single day I’m set off by something. The tiniest thing most of the time. How on earth are you meant to get past it? Or does everyone just pretend it gets easier? They just wake up and brace the world with a fake smile and a mask over their face? When really, they’re hurting on the inside because of how much it’s affected them?

I dunno, I’ll find a way through it. I guess there’s no other choice, is there?